Reflections on a Loss

It's now Sunday night, and Mary Beth has been dead for four days. I still can't wrap my head entirely around this fact. The raw emotion has worn off, to be replaced by a sense of absence. No longer am I overcome by the fact that she's gone, but instead I just notice over and over that she's missing. I'll be out doing one thing or another and just think of how much she'd enjoy what was going on and keep realizing that she's not here now and never will be again. It's a lot to take in, and I haven't entirely wrapped my head around it. A lot of times it just feels like she's gone away for a little while, but given enough time she'll be back. "Never" hasn't managed to sink in yet.

But all of that is part of the normal grieving process, and that's not something I can offer any additional insight into. But I can look at my sister's death and try to find some meaning in it. I touched on this in my last post, but even now, a mere 72 hours or so later, I feel I have more to say.

To start off, I guess I have to offer some insight into my own faith so you know where I'm coming from. I have never been someone that could really feel God's presence of hear His voice, although I know people who have done both. The most I could do was look back at my life and retroactively see the influence He's had and how He guided me to where I need to be, often even using my mistakes to put me where I belonged. It makes things hard while I'm in the middle of it, since I so often feel that I'm flying blind, but with hindsight I can sometimes find the rationale behind many of what seemed to be random events. And with Mary Beth, even if I can't understand the why, God has allowed me to see beginning of the evidence that there is one. I may not see the rules of the game or the positions of the pieces, but God at least showed me that there is a board, even if the scope of it is beyond my understanding.

As I've talked with others over these last few days, I've been shown a side of Mary Beth that I was only dimly aware of, despite how close all my siblings and I are to each other. And listening to what they've had to say, and seeing the reactions to her death, I've truly come to believe that despite her not knowing that it was coming, God was helping her prepare to die. Her spiritual life, already extremely vibrant, took on an even greater depth and strength of purpose. She became acutely aware of her own faults and weaknesses, and worked tirelessly to improve them. Her relationship with Craig, her boyfriend, also took more meaning. She had an amazing senior voice recital that showed the incredible singer she had become. Always a shining star, over the last months of her too-short life Mary Beth became nothing short of dazzling.

Meanwhile, she was busy tying up loose ends. Her voice recital provided a cap on her musical career, and just last Friday (a mere six days before her death) she graduated from A&M with a bachelors in music and double minors in psychology and Spanish (and only 18 hours from a triple major). She took her relationship with Craig to near the limits that it could be as boyfriend and girlfriend. She spent more time talking with my parents, my siblings, and myself. As graduation approached, she got back in touch with many of her old friends that she'd drifted apart from. Soon she was going to enter the next phase of her life (going after a PhD in clinical psychology for graduate school, and Craig was going to propose at the end of the summer), but for this brief moment she had pretty much completed everything.

And it was in this moment, when she was shining at her very brightest and had wrapped everything up, that it all came crashing down (all too literally in her case). Despite the pain I've been feeling, I can't help but take comfort in how clean the break was; how she didn't leave anything hanging or work unfinished. I also take comfort in how she was clearly prepared to meet a death she didn't even know was coming. And I look at this and cannot accept it was all a coincidence. I can't believe that she was becoming an ever-more spiritual person while simultaneously tying up all the dangling parts of her life for nothing. I reject the idea that she was chasing a fairy tale. There was a purpose to all of this, and even if I can't understand all of it, that doesn't mean it's not there. As a Catholic, facets of the answers are available, but I can't put them into the big picture, and probably never will.

But that's ok. As I've thought about Mary Beth's death (and God knows I've thought about it a lot these last four days) I realize I can accept that. For me it's enough to know that there is meaning in a seemingly random accident, and that even in death my sister's life served a purpose that will live beyond her physical death. Already one of my brothers has been contacted by someone who was led to rekindle his own spiritual life after hearing Mary Beth's story. Her organs have given hope and life to people who had neither just one week ago. The outpouring of support from people, including many that we haven't heard from in years, continues to swell, as do the messages from her friends and professors speaking about the kind of person that she was. And on it continues. It may not be much, but it's enough.